Funniest things your other half has said/done?

[Ezookiel]

My wife was watching TV last night when the advertisement for the government helpline for those that want to lose weight, came on.
The ad says something along the lines of "Have you gotten a little soft around the edges?"
My wife looks up and says, "I'm not a 'little soft', I'm a diabolical cushion!!" (I'm guessing she meant 'veritable cushion')
My daughter looked at her and asked, "Do you know what you just said?" to which my wife replied, "Yes, I'm huge" and my daughter said, "No, you just said you're an evil scheming cushion"
Well, at the mental image of an evil scheming cushion, all my attempts to not laugh out loud at my wife (never a good idea), became almost too much, and tears started streaming down my face.

Along with my wife's tendency to grab the nearest sounding word regardless of whether it's actually the correct meaning, she also comes out with statements that are often just as funny, along the lines of a recent one while talking to my daughter about what my daughter could use to go to an event dressed as a Ninja. My daughter's suggestions obviously didn't meet with her Mum's approval at all, because my wife responded with, "All the Ninjas I know wear ...." (followed by whatever she thought my daughter should wear). Of course, all that met with was, "Just how many Ninja's do you actually know Mum?" (Could be handy to know my wife has Ninja friends if I ever need something done with absolute stealth I guess).

Life with my wife is never boring I must say. She's good at keeping us all amused (and I have her permission to quote these stories).

[Mark L]

"Funniest things your other half has said/done?"
23 years married and um .........
um.......
um....

[Kerrie]

Get me a beer

laughed for a while at that one

[Tikira]

Soooo, Ezookiel, how is the most recent bump on the head (from where she hit you with the frying pan), healing?

Di

[outstar79]

Not the funniest thing my other half has said, but funniest situation.

It was back in the end of 1999 and my wife (girlfriend at the time) and I were watching a movie, now I can't remember which (because it was a chick flick and I wasn't really paying that much attention ) but something was said along the lines of "you must listen to your woman." and my other half says "Did you hear that?" I turned to her and she promptly farted, not big pant tearing ones blokes do but little "girly" ones. "I heard that!" was all I replied and she was absolutely mortified.

It's funny how a bloke farts and it's normal....but a female

P.S. she is still embarrassed by this story, but has allowed me permission to tell it (over and over)

[pjs2]

Went to a mate's funeral at a crematorium down Carbrook way. Quite a pretty place surrounded by bushland. At the start we were all standing around in the car park catching up with people that we had lost track of over time. We were all fairly sad as you would be. There was a small break in the conversation when she said "Something must be burning, I can smell wood smoke". Straight away you could see the penny drop for her. The poor thing couldn't apologise enough. I wanted to laugh but she was embarrassed enough,I make up for it now though.

[Ionica]

"Straight away you could see the penny drop for her."
I can empathise with her - the first time I went to a cremation we were standing in the car park and I said "what's that smell ", and then realised.

[Bennymiata]

My late mother, who was Polish, but spoke quite good english, always called a block of flats a "flat house".

When I was younger and still living at home, I had some friends over and she was talking about a friend of hers that had just bought a small block of flats, and she was telling tham that her friend had just bought a flat house.
One of my friends said to her "Why would he buy a flat house? He'll have to rebuild it."

I came back and said "Oh, don't worry, he'll just get another one on top of it to pump it up!".

I was an outspoken kid, and one year when I was about 5, my parents took me to the Easter Show here in Sydney.
We were walking through the farm animal pavillion when I pointed to a large, well endowed bull and exclaimed, "Look Mummy. There's a big cow!"
"No dear, that's a bull, darling."
"No it isn't Mummy, it must be a cow, look at those huge things hanging down between its legs!".

[Xenedis]

Xenedette was updating her electronic shopping list the other day.

I glanced at it, and noticed something rather... interesting.

Y'see, she thought we needed to buy more Coke, and duly noted it.

The problem was that she either mis-spelled 'Coke', or made a hilarious typo.

What appeared on her shopping list instead, was a word that starts with the letter C, but rhymes with 'dock'.

If that's what she needed, a trip to the supermarket was unnecessary...

[Kym]

We went sailing one day with friends.
On the way to the boat, SWMBO asks "what is it you get on a boat... Water feet?"
-- translation Sea Legs!

I work in IT, I like to hear her explaining IT stuff to her friends
Nel is a relative expert to those friends, but some of those explanations are stunning in the assumptions and misunderstandings; albeit they work out.

BTW 32nd anniversary on Wednesday!

[geoffsta]

"Funniest things your other half has said/done?"
23 years married and um .........
um.......
um....

Same here... Ummm... So many...Too many. She often falls over. Lucky she has big breasts. She has never skun her nose or broke her glasses.

EDIT:
I can still never win an argument. Even when I'm right.

[Nanny]

Went to a mate's funeral at a crematorium down Carbrook way. Quite a pretty place surrounded by bushland. At the start we were all standing around in the car park catching up with people that we had lost track of over time. We were all fairly sad as you would be. There was a small break in the conversation when she said "Something must be burning, I can smell wood smoke". Straight away you could see the penny drop for her. The poor thing couldn't apologise enough. I wanted to laugh but she was embarrassed enough,I make up for it now though.

OMG LOL

[Nanny]

Hubby asked me if I would like a coffee I replied yes please,
he came into the loungroom sat down drinking his coffee I asked him where is mine
he replied I only asked if you wanted one not do you want me to make you one.
I still have to get him back BIG TIME.

[ving]

too many to count... but i cant remember a single one to quote.
cheryl is lucky i have poor memory, or i'd be flooding this thread.