You're both half deranged! You know nothing of unicorns(which is a silly name when you think about it .. why would they be named after a single solitary clump of maze seeds?)
anyhow! I have the low down on unicorns .. from an ex unicorn expert too mind you.
Apparently they scare off beastly types, and I reckon the speed issues experienced by sufferers of insufficient network speeds are not, in fact, due to the unicorns but more so from the beasts they are there to protect you from. That is, they're presence there actually eliminates the internet from stopping altogether!
I'm hearing that the most likely culprit that causes this speed reducing stuff may be something like a centaur to something .. some half man half animal type construction(of the mind) that is supposedly hard to see/catch/comprehend .. and only unicorns can do this(or that .. or whatever).
So the poor old unicorn, once again, being blamed for stuff it didn't do .. and only because it was seen to be in the wrong place at the wrong time!
hope that helps
.. (the experience of another bottle of that chardonnay)