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Thread: Top 10 Puns contest - ya gotta love 'em!

  1. #1
    Who let the rabble in? Lance B's Avatar
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    Top 10 Puns contest - ya gotta love 'em!

    These are gems!

    Top Ten Winners of International Pun Contest

    The ability to make and understand puns is considered to be the highest
    level of language development. Here are the 10 winners in the International
    Pun Contest:

    1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The
    stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed
    per passenger."

    2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says,
    "Dam!"

    3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the
    craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your
    kayak and heat it too.

    4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other
    says, "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."

    5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root
    canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

    6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in
    the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an
    hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But
    why?", they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand
    chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

    7. A woman delivers a set of identical twins and decides to give them up
    for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal."
    The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him "Juan." Years later,
    Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the
    picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of
    Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've
    seen Ahmal."

    8. A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened
    up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers
    from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was
    unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He
    went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival
    florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to
    "persuade" the friars to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their
    store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did
    so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

    9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which
    produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little,
    which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad
    breath. This made him (Oh, dude, this is so bad, it's good ...) a super
    calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

    10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to
    friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.
    No pun in ten did.

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    Number 9 is a real groaner
    Andrew

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    Member Tjfrnds's Avatar
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    Love em!!
    Tania

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    Who let the rabble in?
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    Quote Originally Posted by Boofhead View Post
    Number 9 is a real groaner

    Yeah, that's my favourite too. It's so convoluted, it's funny.

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    Arch-Σigmoid Ausphotography Regular ameerat42's Avatar
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    Nice selection, Lance. Good onyer for starting this thread.
    H-Am.
    CC, Image editing OK.

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    Far out they are terrible
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    Thanks for the laugh Lance, I found 7 pretty funny but 9 cracked me up
    Cheers David.

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    Go the Rabbitohs mudman's Avatar
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    and then there is the current afairs reporter interviewing an Asian dictator.
    reporter: when did you have your last elewction?
    dictator: just before bleckfast
    Last edited by mudman; 18-06-2011 at 2:42pm.
    cc and enjoy

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    Arch-Σigmoid Ausphotography Regular ameerat42's Avatar
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    I once heard a tale that went something like...

    There was a tribe that lived in the savannah. It was an extensive region, with lots of different grass varieties but not a tree to be seen. All the tribes around them had more varied materials to build their structures from, and this became irksome to the savannah tribe. Nevertheless the tribe developed the skill to make fairly impressive abodes up to several storeys - all made of grass. But jealousy of their neghbours caused a state of constant friction between the savannah tribe and the other tribes. So it happened that the savannah tribe would raid the realms of their neighbours and as a sign of victory, would take home the throne of the conquered tribal chiefs. These were stored in the palatial hut of the savannah chief, and it soon grew to be several storeys high. Eventually, so many thrones were collected that he ordered more yet more storeys to be added to his grass castle to accomodate the extra booty. Soon he ordered that his sub-chiefs begin to take some of the share of the thrones, and so they also built more storeys on their huts. This building trend continued, so that even the commoners were forced to add extra storeys to their humble huts. It became a settlement of tall grass houses, all of which had to store part of the increasing booty of thrones. One day a particularly strong wind swept across the savannah, and all the tall huts couldn't withstand the pressure and collapsed under the weight. Amid the ensuing mayhem the collected thrones were smashed to pieces. The tribe was left destitute. From this calamity their elders divined the maxim that:

    "People who live in grass houses should not stow thrones."

    (Ah well.)

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    Oh God that is baaad!!

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    Perpetually Bewildered
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    I was in the butcher's this morning. I said to him "I'll bet you a $1000 you can't reach the meat on the top shelf". He said "No. The steaks are too high"!
    Phil.

    Some Nikon stuff. I shoot Mirrorless and Mirrorlessless.


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    Ouch!!

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    Quote Originally Posted by mudman View Post
    and then there is the current afairs reporter interviewing an Asian dictator.
    reporter: when did you have your last election?
    dictator: just before bleckfast
    Very good!

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    What do you call an Australian woman with one leg? : Ilene
    What do you call a Japanese woman with one leg? : Irene
    "It is one thing to make a picture of what a person looks like, it is another thing to make a portrait of who they are" - Paul Caponigro

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    Rick! (Note to Rick - we need the headbanging smiley)

    An oldie but a goodie - Why was Noah's ark built of wood? No arc welders back then.
    Last edited by Analog6; 19-06-2011 at 8:10am.
    Odille

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    Administrator ricktas's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Analog6 View Post
    Rick! (Note to Rick - we need the headbanging smiley)

    An oldie but a goodie - Why was Noah's ark built of wood? No arc welders back then.
    hehehe

    What do you call the brother of a woman with one leg? : Raylene
    What do you call the mother of a woman with one leg? : Marlene

    and to finish:

    What do you call their sister who has two legs? : Noelene!
    Last edited by ricktas; 19-06-2011 at 8:31am.

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    A farmer had a horse with a mane so thick and robust that birds would nest in it. Their constant chatter kept him awake all night. He went to the vet and asked "How can I rid the horse of these birds?" The vet said "Oh, that's easy. Just sprinkle it with some brewers yeast." The farmer did so and within a day the birds were gone. He later asked the vet "Why did that work?" The vet replied "Yeast is yeast and nest is nest and never the mane shall tweet."
    Does a tree bark in the woods if there's no one around to hear it?

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    Arch-Σigmoid Ausphotography Regular ameerat42's Avatar
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    H -H

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    Quote Originally Posted by ricktas View Post
    What do you call an Australian woman with one leg? : Ilene
    What do you call a Japanese woman with one leg? : Irene
    They're so bad, they're good!

  20. #20
    Who let the rabble in?
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    Quote Originally Posted by ricktas View Post
    hehehe

    What do you call the brother of a woman with one leg? : Raylene
    What do you call the mother of a woman with one leg? : Marlene

    and to finish:

    What do you call their sister who has two legs? : Noelene!
    Oh dear, it's degenerating even furhter!

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