Photographic Humour - Jokes

[Kym]

A little girl walked daily to and from school. Though the weather one morning was questionable and clouds were forming, she made the daily trek to the elementary school. As the day progressed, the winds whipped up, along with thunder and lightning. The mother was worried that her daughter would be frightened walking back home from school, and she herself feared the electrical storm might cause her harm. Following each roar of the thunder, lightning would cut through the sky like a flaming sword. Being very concerned, the mother got into her car and drove along the route to the school.

Soon she saw her small child walking along. The thunder would boom, and then, at each flash of lightning, the child would stop, look and smile. One followed another, each time with her child stopping, looking up at the streak of light and smiling. Finally, the mother called out and asked, "Honey, what are you doing?" Her little girl answered, "God keeps taking pictures of me!"



Post your Photographic (clean) humor here...

[Kym]

A friend of mine works in a camera store. The other day a very
confused looking woman approached the counter and handed my friend
a camera. She said "I took pictures, but I forgot to have film in
the camera. Can you please get them out of the camera for me?"



One day I was working in the darkroom with my girlfriend. Things
started out negative but soon I was enlarging. As it started to
develop, I told her we should stop before we got into a fix, but
she said it would all come out in the wash.
The Black & White photo process summarized...
why, what were you thinking?

[pgbphotographytas]

One day I was working in the darkroom with my girlfriend. Things
started out negative but soon I was enlarging. As it started to
develop, I told her we should stop before we got into a fix, but
she said it would all come out in the wash.
The Black & White photo process summarized...
why, what were you thinking?

Some people have dirty minds...

Paul

[ricktas]

Some people have dirty minds...

Paul

Some do, apparently, PAUL!

[pgbphotographytas]

Some do, apparently, PAUL!

Not me

[Kym]

A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a great bush fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane.

"It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured by his editor. As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, "Let's go! Let's go!" The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air.

"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make three or four low level passes."
"Why?" asked the pilot.
"Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great exasperation.

After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean you're not the instructor?"

[Kym]

Come on APers ... there must be more jokes out there!

Three wedding photographers have all been booked to cover the same wedding, a traditional
photographer a contemporary photographer and a documentary style photographer.

Just before the brides arrival the best man falls to the floor as if he has died. The traditional photographer gives mouth to mouth straight away while the contemporary photographer gives him a heart massage.

As the bride arrives the best man is still on the floor and she asks the traditional photographer "what did you give him?" and he replies "mouth to mouth".

She asks the the contemporary photographer the same question and he replies "a heart massage".

She then turns to the documentary photographer and asks "what did you give him" and he pauses before answering "1/125th at f/8, flash fill!" !

Until the next exposure...

[parkesy]

Photographer Works

There was this haunted house on the outskirts of the town which was avoided by all the townfolk - the ghost which `lived' there was feared by all.

However, an enterprising journalist decided to get the scoop of the day by photographing the fearsome phantom. When he entered the house, armed with only his camera, the ghost descended upon him, clanking chains et al. He told the ghost "I mean no harm - I just want your photograph". The ghost was quite happy at this chance to make the headlines - he posed for a number of ghostly shots.

The happy journalist rushed back to his dark room, and began developing the photos. Unfortunately, they turned out to be black and underexposed.

So what's the moral of the story?

The spirit was willing but the flash was weak.

[parkesy]

The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to...."

"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."

"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."

"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."

"Don't I know!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."

"Oh my god!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.

"She was difficult ?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.

"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, eh......equipment?"

"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."

"Tripod??", Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.

"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam? Madam?..... Good Lord, she's fainted!!"

[Kym]

"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam? Madam?..... Good Lord, she's fainted!!"

Old but good.

[Kym]

Old Photographers never die, they get sent to the old focus home

Old Photographers never die, they just stop developing

Old Photographers never die, their F stops

Old Photographers never die, they just have flash backs

Old Photographers never die, they just get out of focus

Old photographers never die, they're just waiting to see what develops

Old Photographs never die, they just fade away

[Kym]

This is Australian Photography ... so ...

Two Kiwis, Brian and Craig are walking down a street in Bondi.

Brian happens to look in one of the shop windows and sees a sign that catches his eye.

The sign said 'Suits $10.00 each, Shirts $4.00 each, Trousers $5.00 per pair'

Brian says to his pal, ' Craig, look! We could buy a whole lot of those, and whin we get beck to InZid, we could make a fortune.

'Now whin we go unto the shop, you be quiet, okay? Just lit me do all the talking cause uf they hear our accint, they might not be nice to us. I'll speak in my bist Aussie accint.'

'No wurries, smiled Craig, I'll keep my mouth shut.'

They go in and Brian says, 'I'll take fifty suits et $10.00 each, 100 shirts et $4.00 each, and fufty pairs of trousers at $5.00 each. I'll beck up my truck and...'

The owner of the shop interrupts, 'You're from New Zealand , aren't you?'

'Well.... yis,' says a surprised Ian. 'How the hill dud you know thet?'

The owner says,

Spoiler

'This is a dry cleaners'.

[Tannin]

True story ........

I worked in a pub many years ago. I was pulling beers in the public bar one afternoon when some Kiwis walked in.

"Yes, mate."

"Sex tins, please."

I'd met New Zealanders before, so that didn't throw me for a moment. I pointed and said "Round the bottle shop, mate".

"I want sex tins."

"Half a dozen cans, no worries. We don't have them here, but there are plenty in the bottle shop. Out to your right."

He didn't seem very bright. "I just want sex tins." (sigh)

"This is the public bar. We've only got draft beer here. You need to go out the door you came in, round to your right, and see Barnie in the bottle shop. He will fix you up with tins no worries."

"No, sex tin-ounce glasses".

Ahh! Now I get it

[acko]

One Kiwi asked his mate, "What's a hindu?"







"Lays eggs, Bro"

[Kym]

Costello calls to buy a computer from Abbott

Abbott: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

Costello: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

Abbott: Mac?

Costello: No, the name's Lou.

Abbott: Your computer?

Costello: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

Abbott: Mac?

Costello: I told you, my name's Lou.

Abbott: What about Windows?

Costello: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

Abbott: Do you want a computer with Windows?

Costello: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

Abbott: Wallpaper.

Costello: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

Abbott: Software for Windows?

Costello: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

Abbott: Office.

Costello: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

Abbott: I just did.

Costello: You just did what?

Abbott: Recommend something.

Costello: You recommended something?

Abbott: Yes.

Costello: For my office?

Abbott: Yes

Costello: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

Abbott: Office.

Costello: Yes, for my office!

Abbott: I recommend Office with Window's.

Costello: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

Abbott: Word.

Costello: What word?

Abbott: Word in Office.

Costello: The only word in office is office.

Abbott: The Word in Office for Windows.

Costello: Which word in office for windows?

Abbott: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.

Costello: I'm going to click your blue 'W' if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

Abbott: Money.

Costello: That's right. What do you have?

Abbott: Money.

Costello: I need money to track my money?

Abbott: It comes bundled with your computer.

Costello: What's bundled with my computer?

Abbott: Money.

Costello: Money comes with my computer?

Abbott: Yes. No extra charge.

Costello: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

Abbott: One copy.

Costello: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

Abbott: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

Costello: They can give you a license to copy money?

Abbott: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later) ...

Abbott: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

Costello: How do I turn my new computer off?

Abbott: Click on 'START'

[Kym]

During a high school break-in two burglars found a camera in one of the classrooms and amused themselves by taking pictures of each other committing the crime.

When they couldn't figure out how to get the film out of the camera, they concluded it wasn't loaded and left it behind. The men apparently didn't realize they'd been fooling around with a digital camera that stores pictures on a computer disk.

Investigators downloaded the snapshots to a computer and got a complete photographic record of the break-in. The suspects were quickly arrested.

[Kym]

Smile For The Camera

A drug dealer decided to impress his friends by hiring a limousine for a big night on the town. His first stop was at a posh suburban residence to sell some cocaine to a rather influential individual.

Hoping to earn a little extra profit by blackmailing his wealthy customer, the crook handed a camcorder to the limo driver and asked him to record the event for posterity.

The driver, a an off duty police officer, was happy to comply.

[Miaow]

lol - I've read a few cases where people have taken pics of them selves with stolen cameras which have led to their arrest

[Kym]

How to Photograph a New Puppy

1. Remove film from box and load camera.
2. Remove film box from puppy’s mouth and throw in trash.
3. Remove puppy from trash and brush coffee grounds from muzzle.
4. Choose a suitable background for photo.
5. Mount camera on tripod and focus.
6. Find puppy and take dirty sock from mouth.
7. Place puppy in pre-focused spot and return to camera.
8. Forget about spot and crawl after puppy on knees.
9. Focus with one hand and fend off puppy with other hand.
10. Get tissue and clean nose print from lens.
11. Take flash cube from puppy’s mouth and throw in trash.
12. Put cat outside and put peroxide on the scratch on puppy’s nose.
13. Put magazines back on coffee table.
14. Try to get puppy’s attention by squeaking toy over your head.
15. Replace your glasses and check camera for damage.
16. Jump up in time to grab puppy by scruff of neck and say, “No, outside! No, outside!”
17. Clean up mess.
18. Fix a drink.
19. Sit back in Lazy Boy with drink and resolve to teach puppy “sit” and “stay” the first thing in the morning.

[Kym]

Camera's don't lie...

An off-duty police officer, who was familiar with radar guns, drove through a school zone within the legal speed limit when the flash of a camera went off, taking a picture of his license plate.

The officer, thinking the radar was in error, drove by again and at even more slower speed.
Another flash.

He did it again for a third time, at an even slower speed.
Same result.

"Whoever use that speed camera must have screwed up the settings," the off-duty officer thought.

A few weeks later, he received the violation notices in the mail.

.

.

.

.

.
He discovered three traffic tickets --- each for not wearing a seat belt!