Friday Funny : Ebay Warning

[ricktas]

If you are very easily offended, maybe close this thread and not read it.

Warning About Ebay

Be careful what you buy on eBay.
If you buy stuff on line, check out the seller carefully.
A friend has just spent $95 plus GST on a penis enlarger.
Bastards sent him a magnifying glass.
The only instructions said, "Do not use in sunlight."

Got a good joke? Not to risque? Lets have a laugh today, post it here. Don't post things that could be deemed extremely offensive by others. Lets keep it reasonably clean, but have a giggle all the same.

[yummymummy]

ROFL!!

[Rattus79]

Q: Why is flying an F-16 better than flying an F-22?
A: It’s one stop faster!

- - - Updated - - -

A Pentaxian, a Nikonian, and a Canonite are all at the urinal peeing.
The Canonite finishes, zips up and leaves without washing his hands.
The Nikonian finishes, zips up and goes to wash his hands, meanwhile the Pentaxian zips up and goes to leave without washing too
The Nikonian says to the Pentaxian, "Well, I can understand the Canonite leaving witout washing his hands, but I thought you Pentaxians would have better hygene then that"
The Pentaxian replies, "We don't pee on our hands"

[gordoj035]

Funny, not offensive at all!

[Rattus79]

How do you get the professional photographer off your front porch?
Pay him for the pizza.

[Mary Anne]

Rick I like that..

[Doktaduck]

[Bear Dale]

After Mrs. Jacobs found out her husband was sterile, the couple decided to hire a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Jacobs kissed his wife and said 'I'm off to work, Lydia. The guy should be here soon.'

Wouldn't you know it, a door-to-door baby photographer came by half an hour later, hoping to make a sale. Mrs. Jacobs answered the door. 'Good morning, ma'am. You don't know me, but I've come to...' 'Oh yes, I know why you're here. Harry told me you'd be coming soon.' 'He did? But I...' 'Come right in! No use wasting time .' 'Very well, then.'

The photographer took out his briefcase and sat down. 'As you may already know, I've made a specialty of babies.' 'Good, I'm glad,' said Mrs. Jacobs. 'That's just what Harry and I were looking for.'

'I usually like to try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed,' said the photographer. 'The living room floor is fun too...you can really spread out.' 'Bathtub? Living room floor? No wonder it never worked for Harry and me.' 'Well, ma'am, none of us can guarantee a perfect one every time, but if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven different angles, I think you'll be quite pleased with the results.'

'I certainly hope we can get this over with quickly,' Mrs. Jacobs gasped nervously. 'Ma'am, in my line of work a man must take his time. I'd like to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure.' 'Don't I know!' said Mrs. Jacobs.

The photographer pulled out a portfolio of his pictures. 'This one was done on top of a bus in downtown London,' he said, showing Mrs. Jacobs the picture. 'Oh my God!' exclaimed Mrs. Jacobs, tugging on her handkerchief.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider the fact that their mother was so difficult to work with.' He showed Mrs. Jacobs another picture. 'She was difficult?' questioned Mrs. Jacobs. 'Extremely,' said the photographer. 'I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around, four and five deep, just to get a good look.' 'Four and five deep!' Mrs. Jacobs was amazed. 'Yes,' said the photographer. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then, it started getting dark and I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels started nibbling on my equipment. I just packed it all in.'

Mrs. Jacobs leaned forward. 'You mean the squirrels actually chewed on your, um...equipment?' 'Yes, ma'am. Thank God, no real damage was done.

Well, we'll get to work as soon as I set up my tripod.'

'Tripod? ' Mrs. Jacobs looked extremely worried now.

'Of course. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much to big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Ma'am...ma'am...good God, she's fainted!'

[Rattus79]

Two photographers walking along a street and they pass a beggar sitting with his hat up-ended on the pavement, begging for money. One guy keeps walking. The other stops. Later when they catch up with each other the first guy says to the other. “Hey I saw you stop for that beggar. What did you give him?”"Oh” says the first guy, “1/125th at f5.6″

[Koko]

Thanks guys I haven't laughed like this in a long time.. Please keep them coming..

[Kym]

I'll copy the photo jokes to the main thread... http://www.ausphotography.net.au/for...or-%28Jokes%29

[Rattus79]

I'll copy the photo jokes to the main thread... http://www.ausphotography.net.au/for...or-%28Jokes%29

It scares me that you can do that, and make it come up as my post ....

For future reference, if I ever say anything on the forum that offends anyone, it was Kym not me!!!

[Mark L]

Over the last couple of months I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works:
Two nice-looking, university-aged girls will come over to your car as you are packing your purchases into your vehicle. They start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. (It's impossible not to look). When you thank them and offer them a tip they say no but instead ask for a ride to McDonald's.

You agree and they climb into the vehicle. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen December 4th, 9th,10th, twice on the 15th,17th, 20th, 24th, & 29th. Also January 1st & 4th, twice on the 8th,16th, 23rd, 26th & 27th, and very likely again this upcoming weekend. So tell your friends to be careful. Warn your friends to be vigilant.

By the way, K-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found even cheaper ones for 99c at the two dollar store and bought them out in three of their stores.

Also, you never get to eat at McDonald's. I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth from Bunnings, to Mitre 10, to K-Mart etc.

So please, send this on to all the older men that you know and warn them to be on the lookout for this scam.

[leanneqld]

The shortest Fairytale ever...

A man asked a woman to marry him.
She said No.
They lived happily ever after.

[Kym]

It scares me that you can do that, and make it come up as my post ....
For future reference, if I ever say anything on the forum that offends anyone, it was Kym not me!!!

We can move or duplicate posts/threads anytime we want to.

Given you wrote them, they should stay under your name.

[bobt]

This is for fellow old farts .....

Old guy is driving down the freeway on his way home.

His mobile 'phone rings, and his wife in a panicky voice says "George, be careful driving home tonight, I just heard there's some looney driving the wrong way on the freeway!"

"ONE" says George.... "There's hundreds of the bastards!!"