The entire UK womens' fencing team are facing lifetime bans from all sporting events following the shock discovery of holdalls packed with banned substances and paraphenalia, which were seized during unscheduled room inspections last night.
The contraband included pairs of Nike training shoes, a Dell
laptop, cans of Irn-Bru, several rounds of egg and cress sandwiches and a family sized pack of Walkers cheese and onion crisps.
When the security team broke the door down, members of the shamed group were desperately trying to flush a number of Burger King wrappers and a Pizza Hut box down the toilet. Two special forces operatives were hospitalised during the ensuing scuffle, but are both said to be "in a stable condition" under constant police guard in an undisclosed East London hospital.
At a hastily arranged press conference, Lord Coe said "This is a dark day for Britain, and for the sport of fencing. With their blatant disregard for the profits of our sponsors, these ladies have tarnished the reputation of amateur sport, and may have permanently damaged our special relationship with the USA."
Some of the Olympics partners are already lobbying to have the ladies extradited to the US for trial, where copyright infringements are still punishable by death in 15 states.
Sources at Olympics HQ inform us a large amount of crack cocaine and several packages of performance enhancing drugs were also discovered during the raid.