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Lance B
17-06-2011, 11:05pm
These are gems!

Top Ten Winners of International Pun Contest

The ability to make and understand puns is considered to be the highest
level of language development. Here are the 10 winners in the International
Pun Contest:

1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The
stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed
per passenger."

2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says,
"Dam!"

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the
craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your
kayak and heat it too.

4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other
says, "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root
canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in
the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an
hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But
why?", they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand
chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

7. A woman delivers a set of identical twins and decides to give them up
for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal."
The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him "Juan." Years later,
Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the
picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of
Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've
seen Ahmal."

8. A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened
up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers
from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was
unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He
went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival
florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to
"persuade" the friars to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their
store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did
so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which
produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little,
which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad
breath. This made him (Oh, dude, this is so bad, it's good ...) a super
calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to
friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.
No pun in ten did.

Boofhead
17-06-2011, 11:25pm
Number 9 is a real groaner :lol: :lol: :th3:

Tjfrnds
17-06-2011, 11:48pm
Love em!!

Lance B
18-06-2011, 11:36am
Number 9 is a real groaner :lol: :lol: :th3:


Yeah, that's my favourite too. It's so convoluted, it's funny.

ameerat42
18-06-2011, 12:05pm
Nice selection, Lance. Good onyer for starting this thread.
H-Am.

Namus
18-06-2011, 12:57pm
Far out they are terrible :th3: :)

dbax
18-06-2011, 1:03pm
Thanks for the laugh Lance, I found 7 pretty funny but 9 cracked me up :lol::lol::lol:

mudman
18-06-2011, 2:41pm
and then there is the current afairs reporter interviewing an Asian dictator.
reporter: when did you have your last elewction?
dictator: just before bleckfast

ameerat42
18-06-2011, 3:37pm
I once heard a tale that went something like...

There was a tribe that lived in the savannah. It was an extensive region, with lots of different grass varieties but not a tree to be seen. All the tribes around them had more varied materials to build their structures from, and this became irksome to the savannah tribe. Nevertheless the tribe developed the skill to make fairly impressive abodes up to several storeys - all made of grass. But jealousy of their neghbours caused a state of constant friction between the savannah tribe and the other tribes. So it happened that the savannah tribe would raid the realms of their neighbours and as a sign of victory, would take home the throne of the conquered tribal chiefs. These were stored in the palatial hut of the savannah chief, and it soon grew to be several storeys high. Eventually, so many thrones were collected that he ordered more yet more storeys to be added to his grass castle to accomodate the extra booty. Soon he ordered that his sub-chiefs begin to take some of the share of the thrones, and so they also built more storeys on their huts. This building trend continued, so that even the commoners were forced to add extra storeys to their humble huts. It became a settlement of tall grass houses, all of which had to store part of the increasing booty of thrones. One day a particularly strong wind swept across the savannah, and all the tall huts couldn't withstand the pressure and collapsed under the weight. Amid the ensuing mayhem the collected thrones were smashed to pieces. The tribe was left destitute. From this calamity their elders divined the maxim that:

"People who live in grass houses should not stow thrones."

(Ah well.)

Lance B
18-06-2011, 4:18pm
Oh God that is baaad!! :D

fillum
18-06-2011, 5:05pm
I was in the butcher's this morning. I said to him "I'll bet you a $1000 you can't reach the meat on the top shelf". He said "No. The steaks are too high"!

Lance B
18-06-2011, 5:26pm
Ouch!! :D

Lance B
18-06-2011, 11:36pm
and then there is the current afairs reporter interviewing an Asian dictator.
reporter: when did you have your last election?
dictator: just before bleckfast

:lol: Very good!

ricktas
19-06-2011, 7:33am
What do you call an Australian woman with one leg? : Ilene
What do you call a Japanese woman with one leg? : Irene

Analog6
19-06-2011, 8:08am
Rick! :Doh: (Note to Rick - we need the headbanging smiley)

An oldie but a goodie - Why was Noah's ark built of wood? No arc welders back then.

ricktas
19-06-2011, 8:20am
Rick! :Doh: (Note to Rick - we need the headbanging smiley)

An oldie but a goodie - Why was Noah's ark built of wood? No arc welders back then.

hehehe

What do you call the brother of a woman with one leg? : Raylene
What do you call the mother of a woman with one leg? : Marlene

and to finish:

What do you call their sister who has two legs? : Noelene!

ytf
21-06-2011, 2:03pm
A farmer had a horse with a mane so thick and robust that birds would nest in it. Their constant chatter kept him awake all night. He went to the vet and asked "How can I rid the horse of these birds?" The vet said "Oh, that's easy. Just sprinkle it with some brewers yeast." The farmer did so and within a day the birds were gone. He later asked the vet "Why did that work?" The vet replied "Yeast is yeast and nest is nest and never the mane shall tweet."

ameerat42
21-06-2011, 3:47pm
H:D -H:D

Lance B
21-06-2011, 3:59pm
What do you call an Australian woman with one leg? : Ilene
What do you call a Japanese woman with one leg? : Irene

:lol: They're so bad, they're good!

Lance B
21-06-2011, 4:05pm
hehehe

What do you call the brother of a woman with one leg? : Raylene
What do you call the mother of a woman with one leg? : Marlene

and to finish:

What do you call their sister who has two legs? : Noelene!

Oh dear, it's degenerating even furhter! :lol:

old dog
21-06-2011, 4:14pm
you have given me a facial smirk....:th3:

Rattus79
21-06-2011, 4:16pm
Bring this almost back onto topic??

The best thing about being a photographer?? Being busted with a playboy and being able to honestly say:

"I only bought it for the pictures!"

Boofhead
21-06-2011, 5:38pm
What do you call a deer with no eyes? No idea!

Rattus79
23-06-2011, 8:44am
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs? Still no idea.

dbax
23-06-2011, 8:58am
What do you call a deer with no eyes? No idea!


What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs? Still no idea.


Oh Dear !!

macdog
23-06-2011, 10:09am
Haha I Lol'ed

jjphoto
23-06-2011, 12:23pm
Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

JJ

Lance B
23-06-2011, 12:40pm
Oh dear it is really degenerating! :)

Rattus79
23-06-2011, 4:21pm
2 goldfish are in a tank, one turns to the other and says "You man the guns, I'll drive"

Tannin
23-06-2011, 4:41pm
There was a tribe that lived in the savannah. It was an extensive region, with lots of different grass varieties but not a tree to be seen.

Stop right there. That is impossible. If it is a savannah, then there are trees. If there are no trees, then it isn't a savannah. A savanna is a grassland with trees. Where the tree canopies overlap, it is a forest. Where there are no trees at all, it is a grassland. In between it is a savannah. (More commonly in Australia, we call it a "woodland" or a "grassy woodland" or an "open woodland" (each meaning something slightly different) and we reserve the term "savannah" for tropical grassy woodlands like the country inland from Cairns or Darwin, but that is really just a matter of habit.

Let's try again:


There was a tribe that lived in a grassland. It was an extensive region, with lots of different grass varieties but not a tree to be seen. .......

Bennymiata
23-06-2011, 7:26pm
A guy named Benny found an ancient urn and brought it home.
Naturally, he tried to polish it and as he did, a genie appeared in a puff of smoke.
The usual 3 wishes were granted etc., but the genie made only one proviso, and that was that Benny could never put a razor to his face ever again, and must grow a beard.
Naturally, Benny agreed.
Well Benny and his wife lived a wonderful life full of love, good health and much wealth - which is exactly what he had wished for, but some years later, Mrs Benny was getting really sick and tired of the beard.
No matter how close they cut it with scissors, by the next day, it had grown back into a full, rich beard.
So one day, after much harrassment by his wife and thinking that it was years since he had been granted his wishes, he decided to attack it with a brand new razor.
Well, the instant the razor hit his beard, there was a puff of smoke, and Benny was turned into an urn.

And the moral of the story?

A Benny shaved, is a Benny urned!

Mark L
23-06-2011, 8:15pm
^
Benny my ata funny one.:D
I love this punishment.

fillum
23-06-2011, 8:25pm
74156


Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and decided to get married. The ceremony wasn't great, but the reception was brilliant !

ameerat42
24-06-2011, 9:37am
Quarantine for the astronauts who went to the moon was mainly to ensure they had not brought back any lunar ticks.